going residential

I've decided. I'm going to a residential program. I'll be in full time for at least 45 days, maybe longer. One place has a step down program into partial hospitalization. I'm postponing (have to stop thinking of it as loosing) one semester. Mixed emotions. I just want to get well! and I will Inshallah. I'm so drained right now though from doing a long phone intake interview, so of course all I want to do is purge the quarter pear I ate.

to the blogosphere

To the blogosphere:

Confession: my food addiction takes on a particularly bitter and destructive form. Bulimia sucks! It has taken over my life and made the last six months a living hell. I'm now in an intensive outpatient treatment program. Struggling today, because I feel like it's not helping at all. So my treatment coordinator is strongly suggesting that I go to a residential treatment program. It would mean well, a lot of different things. I am so torn in this decision. I hope that this remains an anonymous blog, though honestly, I'm not particularly sure how to do that. Maybe I shouldn't post this. Just sick of being ashamed and fearful. And sick of being sick.

Day 20

Oh it feels good to write day 20. I'm writing from Utah, staying with my aunt. Almost home from a week vacation. Still abstinent mashallah.

Day 12

Breathe. I took my communications final and got an A! It is mathematically impossible for me to fail this class. That feels good. Now I've got to get ready to go on vacation! Yellowstone here I come. Going on a road trip with my mom. We're taking the camper so I can bring my own food; she's doing OA How so we won't be eating eachothers' food. And she's gonna grill! I'm excited. Now time to pack.

Another abstinent day yesterday mashallah.

Day five

I think I am an adrenaline junkie. It takes a massive amount of adrenaline for me to get things done. I wait until the deadline is coming and the adrenaline starts pumping before I can even get started. I always jump to the rescue for other people. Even when they say hurtful things like my friend did yesterday, I always rush to forgive and set myself up for the same hurt. I think that people simply cannot be rescued without me. I swoop in to save people from their stupid decisions and enable them to keep making stupid decisions in part because I need to be needed. Lord, thanks for pointing out all these character defects. You have promised to make us humble in our weakness and strong through You, so I trust in your promise to help me overcome these.

Day 1 take three

An abstinent day mashallah. My sponsor is great. I got the frontier phone list so I can call someone whenever. I spoke with a lady from Australia tonight using google voice. I called from my own cell phone and it cost 2 cents a minute. Muy cool.

Sister's birthday today. We went wedding dress shopping. It was really disappointing because the store didn't have hardly any dresses in her size. The ones they did have were not really her style. I guess she and my mom were dress shopping in a boutique in Sutter Creek and she fell in love with a dress that's $1,000. Neither my mom nor she can afford that. Anyway, she measured a size 16 dress. It was weird to think that my sister is my size.

We had dinner at my oldest sister's. When the cake was cut and served, I excused myself to the bedroom and made some outreach calls.

Tonight I really wanted to eat and it was too late to call anyone here so that's when I pulled out the frontier call list my sponsor email me this morning.

Now off to bed.

just wanted to add

Oh, and the idea of going wedding dress shopping I find really depressing, but the idea of being left out even more depressing. Don't look at wedding dresses online because I get even more depressed.