Friday, August 20, 2010

Day 20

Oh it feels good to write day 20. I'm writing from Utah, staying with my aunt. Almost home from a week vacation. Still abstinent mashallah.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Day 12

Breathe. I took my communications final and got an A! It is mathematically impossible for me to fail this class. That feels good. Now I've got to get ready to go on vacation! Yellowstone here I come. Going on a road trip with my mom. We're taking the camper so I can bring my own food; she's doing OA How so we won't be eating eachothers' food. And she's gonna grill! I'm excited. Now time to pack.

Another abstinent day yesterday mashallah.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Day five

I think I am an adrenaline junkie. It takes a massive amount of adrenaline for me to get things done. I wait until the deadline is coming and the adrenaline starts pumping before I can even get started. I always jump to the rescue for other people. Even when they say hurtful things like my friend did yesterday, I always rush to forgive and set myself up for the same hurt. I think that people simply cannot be rescued without me. I swoop in to save people from their stupid decisions and enable them to keep making stupid decisions in part because I need to be needed. Lord, thanks for pointing out all these character defects. You have promised to make us humble in our weakness and strong through You, so I trust in your promise to help me overcome these.

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Day 1 take three

An abstinent day mashallah. My sponsor is great. I got the frontier phone list so I can call someone whenever. I spoke with a lady from Australia tonight using google voice. I called from my own cell phone and it cost 2 cents a minute. Muy cool.
Sister's birthday today. We went wedding dress shopping. It was really disappointing because the store didn't have hardly any dresses in her size. The ones they did have were not really her style. I guess she and my mom were dress shopping in a boutique in Sutter Creek and she fell in love with a dress that's $1,000. Neither my mom nor she can afford that. Anyway, she measured a size 16 dress. It was weird to think that my sister is my size.
We had dinner at my oldest sister's. When the cake was cut and served, I excused myself to the bedroom and made some outreach calls.
Tonight I really wanted to eat and it was too late to call anyone here so that's when I pulled out the frontier call list my sponsor email me this morning.
Now off to bed.

just wanted to add

Oh, and the idea of going wedding dress shopping I find really depressing, but the idea of being left out even more depressing. Don't look at wedding dresses online because I get even more depressed.

Start over

16 days. That's how long I made it. Why oh why did I take the bite. It didn't start with an intention to binge. I was just going to take some extra iron. And then take an omega-3 chew afterwards to get rid of the taste. So I started doling out the weeks vitamins and meds. And then I had an extra calcium chew. And then three chews. And it ended with eating my roommate's peanut butter. If it wasn't so late I probably would have ended up at the store. I felt out of control, like I couldn't stop. I seriously could not stop until I was so full I was going to puke. I'm glad I got rid of all the junk food in the house.

The signs were there that I was slipping and I didn't pull back before I fell.
I didn't make a single phone call today and only made 1 yesterday. I missed my face to face meeting yesterday and honestly was not paying attention at the phone meeting today. I didn't talk to a single family member today. I didn't call my mom or see my sister or call any sisters. I missed Lacey terribly and cried. I isolated myself. Even when my friend came over I ignored her and spent most of the time in the kitchen.
I am so tired. I've been burning the candle at both ends. Yet I can't sleep because of the freaking insomnia and stress and head spinning. I feel like I'm physically wearing thin.
I started feeling guilty at the missionary lessons this morning thinking of all the things that I've done that affect my future.
I found out I royally bombed the physics final. I got a 64%. But still managed to pull a B overall. Still that one B means I have to get all A's in order to raise my GPA to 3.5 by end of semester. How can I get an A in my comm class if I haven't even started the research paper due Monday? And I didn't work on it at all today. I read, relaxed, grocery shopped, and had a friend over.
I'm so broke I'm scared. I had to return pads because I can't afford the good ones and have to use the crappy ones I still have. I went over my grocery budget and if you count buying supplements then Waaaaaayyyyy over.
Ugh. Now I have to tell my sponsor in the morning. I'm dreading it. I know I promised to call before I took the bite and I didn't. I'm scared of loosing her as a sponsor because I don't know how to find anyone else who gets gastric bypass surgery. I need this program. I would eat myself to death without it. I just feel so guilty cause here I am healing my body and actually thinking hey I need to pay attention to planning for retirement cause I can plan on being around then and Lacey never will. Lacey never got better. How come my body can get better but hers couldn't? God, I'm trying to trust you that her passing was your will, but I find it rather difficult today.
Going to try to sleep now. Almost wish I didn't have to wake up in the morning. I feel like I can never keep up so I might as well give up.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Day 15

What a day. looooong. I finally got to nap for a about an hour.

Things that really made me want to eat:
1. money worries
2. stressing about comm test
3. stressing about physics final tomorrow
4. stressing about writing research paper by Monday
5. stressing about finding a way to make more money by the end of the month
6. totally filthy disgusting kitchen

Reasons to celebrate and not eat:
1. went to endocrinologist nurse practitioner for a squeeze me in last minute appointment and now I'm down to 1 diabetes medication!
2. getting an A on my communications test
3. getting my paycheck! no matter how small it was
4. getting to make a small payment towards paying off debt
5. finishing book that made me so grateful for what I have
6. Having another abstinent day mashallah

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Day 14 - almost over

I am such a dodo bird. I didn't look at the changed syllabus schedule and the test isn't until tomorrow. I could kick myself with all the stressing I did today.
I was so tired from lack of restful sleep that all I thought about all day was sugar sugar sugar. I craved that instant energy boost. I made extra phone calls and did an extra phone meeting to make it through the day.

Today I am grateful:
1. That I still have at least one of my jobs
2. that I don't have to take that test till tomorrow
3. another abstinent day mashallah

Day 14

Ah! Bloody crazy day. Two hours of sleep because of low blood sugar episode and then couldn't go back to sleep (got to call the dr today about reducing meds). Flipped out at erroneous charge on bank account. Haggled with internet/cable company about not raising my bill (I guess some promotion expired even though I called last month to make sure it wasn't). Burnt vegetables.

Oh, and the worst of all. Since two hours of sleep didn't make for a functioning human being, I tried to take an hour nap before class and ended up sleeping through class. Crap. There goes that A. I so want to eat. Oh look, it's time for lunch.

Monday, August 2, 2010

Day 13

Things that made me want to eat today:

1. frustration that there's not enough time to get everything done
2. stupid paycheck didn't come
3. interview went well but turns out I can't even take the job
4. court went really badly for my parents trying to get my sister's stuff back from her ex-fiance

Reasons not to eat (not that I didn't want to anyway):
1. I got an 89 on my last physics test, added 21 points the one before that, and now if I get an 89 on the test on Thursday I can get an A in the class
2. I passed the 3rd CSET subtest! YAY! (ie huge future teacher test)
3. I got paid the parent fee from last month so I had a little bit of income.
4. I played chess with my wonderful niece

Another abstinent day mashalla

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Day 12

Day in review -
Long day. Went to church twice. Grateful day. Full of blessings and being spiritually fed.

Note to self: medifast protein powder is like paste when mixed with yogurt. Pass if you don't want to barf.

Another abstinent day mashallah

Day 12 - weigh in

So I just weighed and it was 193.6!
At first I didn't know how to feel. The first things coming were negative feelings:
1. I lost some weight so now I can eat.
2. I'm about the same as I was when I came home from NAF
3. That's a 7.5 lbs weight loss; I've been in program for almost a month; shouldn't it be more? I mean the first time I tried program four years ago I lost like 15lbs the first month.
4. It's because I haven't been exercising my but off isn't it. I need to exercise more and go crazy with it (very bad thoughts for me, have injured myself over this many times)
5. Yay, I'm loosing weight, thus I should be getting on the scale every day to see my weight loss (no! don't want scale obsession again)
6. What is my sponsor thinking having me eat so much food

Some were positive:
1. OK, it's just a number I should be cautious of because of health implications
2. I trust my sponsor and this program that I am loosing at the right rate for my body
4 and this one took me a while to realize, I'M FINALLY IN ONEDERLAND! (lol for those of you who don't know, "one"derland means under 200 lbs)
5. It's just a number, and a bad measuring number at that. Body fat % and blood sugar and A1c are all better indicators of how my health is doing.
6. Even my BMI is a better indicator and that is now 32.2 which is MUCH better than 40 which was my top weight

Not sure if negative or positive:
1. Relief that I have lost weight before my next surgeons visit. In fact, my last two visits I rescheduled and postponed because I was afraid of disappointment that I hadn't lost any weight. Nervous that it still won't be progress enough for the NP who does my 6 month consult.

Note to self:
I do NOT want to feed into scale obsession. I will turn around on scales at my doctors visits this month to avoid weighing myself until September 1st.

Saturday, July 31, 2010

Day 11

I have to make this brief, my mom is over and I want to spend time with her.
I made it through day 11 which was my breaking point last time. Tomorrow I get to weigh. I'm scared of the scale even though I know it will have gone down. I'm scared that I'm able to eat all my food now which means my pouch has stretched out some. I need to write more and process on that.
The big reason I wanted to eat today was mostly boredom. Loong and tired day.

Reasons not to eat today:
1. it was a beautiful day
2. I had a ton of fun going through my closet and getting rid of all my too big clothes
3. I had even more fun going through my two bins of two small clothes and now only having one bin left because everything else fits now
4. I found the perfect pair of jeans in those bins that someone had given me
5. I didn't have to buy interview clothes because I found some in the bins
6. I had another abstinent day mashallah

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Day 8

I went to the grocery store today and I went to foodmaxx for the first time on FA. Used to be I'd go there for cheap crap food. I found out that avocados there are 78cents versus $1.25 at Savemart. So I bought 4. I also did something for the first time. I only had $16 left in my food budget for the week and my groceries rang up to $16.95. I asked the clerk to take 2 cans back and it brought it down to $15.95 and I came back in budget. So I bought all these avocados and made 8 salads but then ran out of jicama. *head desk*

Today I am grateful that:
1. My mom gave me food for groceries
2.I live where groceries, especially produce are cheap and plentiful
3. I had another abstinent day

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Day 7

What a long day. Spiritually affirming and challenging too (I love not feeling the compulsion to write in complete sentences on my blog yay for fragments and run on sentences!).
Things that made me want to eat today
1. Missing my sister (she passed away a month ago yesterday)
2. getting a 66% on my physics test
3. having to restudy for the extra credit quiz on Monday while studying for the regular physics test on Thursday
4. time crunch
5. Buying gas on money meant for next semester's books
6. all day long stress of trying to cram for exam tonight
7. panicking about taking an exam for my online communications class and finishing before midnight
8. the strong desire to take a nap and knowing I don't have the time
9. my paycheck still hasn't come!
10. No work for me this weekend

Things I'm grateful for today (some of which made me want to eat):
1. I have an interview on Monday at the campus bookstore
2. I have a chance to raise my physics test score 20 points
3. I got to see my mom for about an hour today
4. My sister gave me a scarf as a present and free produce
5. all the delicious in season squash
6. I got 66/70 on my communications test I just finished, 94% oh yeah!
7. I got to talk to my counselor today about all the things going on in my head
8.I had the blessing of taking my friend to her second missionary lesson
9. I get to work tonight
10. I had another abstinent day

See, more reasons to be grateful than reasons to eat. Another abstinent day mashallah

Monday, July 26, 2010

Day 6 again

Why again? I had a break. A false start. I don't really want to get into it because I have so much I want to write about. Suffice it to say, I am a food addict.
Anyway, today was a challenging day. It was an abstinent day mashallah but almost wasn't. I think I am better understanding what people mean when they say you can hold onto the food for a while without program but you can't work your program and not do the food. I didn't make a single phone call today and I missed my phone meeting too. I felt very self-isolating today. That's not good because it's those kind of behaviors that feed into my addiction. As we say at every meeting, addiction is a disease of isolation.
Tomorrow I need to talk to my sponsor about this.
Oh, and my quiet time was cut short and not very quiet this morning.
Things I really wanted to eat over today:
1. Knowing I got a really bad score on my physics test (prof said the highest score was a 74 and only 7 people scored above 60)
2. Stressing about the extra credit quiz to add points to said physics test
3. Not getting to wear a headscarf because I was turning in applications
4. The cost of food and buying food I've never cooked before
5. doing all this work, including cleaning the toilet, for people that never showed up (this was a big one and gave me flashbacks to childhood birthday parties)
6. Having 5 chapters to read of my massive textbook for my communications exam tomorrow
7. stress about having an exam tomorrow
8. being blocked in by another car and having to take 10 minutes to get out of my parking spot (nearly cried in frustration and was 10 minutes late to work)
9. realizing that I'm almost out of gas and out of money
10. still waiting on my late paycheck

Only by the grace of God did I not eat today.

Today I am thankful for:
1. another abstinent day
2. my wonderful sister calling me
3. getting some food money from mom
4. my strong test scores from the first half of the physics term
5. running into Sister Starky at the grocery store and maybe having a new pickup job

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Day 6

I can't believe I've stayed abstinent for 5 days. Three weeks ago if you said I could go without flour and sugar for 5 days strait I wouldn't have believed you. I think I'm getting over the withdrawal part soon. The part where you feel lethargic and kind of foggy because your body has been used to functioning and dealing with copious amounts of sugar every day. But it's worth it because my blood sugars are around 130-150 during the day now instead of 200's. The past few days I've had a friend staying with me. Last night she bought pizza and I didn't even have a bite. I wanted one, oh yeah did I want one, but I didn't. I feel like I've actually accomplished something for once in my life. 5 days is a small accomplishment, but I still did it.

Friday, July 9, 2010

Day 2

Today I am having the hardest time not exercising. Yeah, I want to eat, but I really want to work out. My sponsor has encouraged me not to work out for the first few days so my body can get adjusted and the sugar withdrawals aren't as crazy. I am craving a workout though: a long walk, some light weights, at this point I'd even do a yoga dvd, just anything! I could go for a walk, but then I know I'd start jogging and doing intervals. Ugh. Time to make phone calls and go study for my online class exam.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Day 1

I did something new today. I cooked chicken. I have not cooked raw chicken in a long time. I have a strange fear of raw meat. I don't like to look at it let alone touch it. I remember once when I was little, having to mix the meatloaf by hand and I burned my hands in the hot water trying to wash the gross feeling off. But I did it!
Yesterday I purchased 2lbs of chicken thighs. They were visibly fatty (another reason I'm not a meat fan) so individually cut off the fat as best I could. I put them in the freezer 2 in a bag. Today I finished de-fatting the ones in the fridge (I ran out of time yesterday) and looked up how best to cook them. Online it said bake for 20-30 minutes at 350 degrees. I sprayed the small dish with pam first. Then, spur of the moment and having no idea what I was doing, I mixed a third cup of olive oil with random spices from the cupboard. Some had never been opened before since I moved here. By hand, I rubbed 3 of the chicken thighs with the mixture and placed them in the baking dish. I had a ton of the oil mix left over so I just poured it over the chicken. It came out delicious! Yay for me and small accomplishments like touching raw chicken for the first time in memory.

First Steps

Tomorrow/today (it's am already) I am starting my FA (food addicts in recovery anonymous). I found a sponsor today and am ready to make the plunge. Finding a sponsor was challenging because I am six months post-op from gastric bypass surgery. I've lost 45 lbs but gained the knowledge that thin is not well. I hope that program also will help this damnable insomnia. I call my sponsor at 7:15 and really need to sleep. I have already planned and written my abstinent meals for tomorrow. Breakfast and lunch are in the fridge here at work. Bring it on life. I have a plan.


I'm not sure why I'm starting this blog. I guess it's out of a hope that I'm not alone in these daily struggles. I'd like a place to gather my thoughts and share them with you.
Just so you know: I love lively discussion but will not tolerate ad homonym (personal attacks) towards myself or any other post.