Thursday, December 22, 2011

mashed sweet potatoes

So a lady from work gave me this recipe and it turned out great! I got the sweet potatoes for free and had enough to double the recipe. I only had lemon juice though, not lime. When mixing it together, it seemed like the ginger didn't need to be doubled even though I love ginger. Here's the original recipe.


2-3 large sweet potatoes 2 tablespoons butter

2 tablespoons minced fresh ginger 1 tablespoon fresh lime juice

1/3 cup fresh cilantro, chopped pinch of salt

Bake sweet potatoes in 400-degree oven until done. Allow to cool enough to handle. Peel and mash with remaining ingredients.

Will post pic soon.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Thankful 24-26

Going to finish the month!
24. Thankful for Thanksgiving! Especially for having family so close, so I'm not alone.
25. Thankful for the first weekend completely off in like 6 months.
26. Thankful for the sister missionaries who totally made my day.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Thankful 21-23

21. I'm thankful for martial arts. Even though I don't get to train at a dojo right now, I still love it. I'm grateful for the chance to train on Monday.
22. I'm thankful for my family's sense of humor. They sometimes have a dirty sense of humor, but it's good to see when it's between husband and wife and their 12 year old goes "Mom!!!" Appreciate it kid. Don't think about it, but appreciate it. Also, when I say that enough is enough, they stop. Well at least the ones I was around Tuesday do.
23. I'm grateful for my math teachers in high school. I walked into a math test today totally unprepared. There were parts that yeah I had no freaking clue, but there were parts that I knew because of good high school math teachers. So even though I know I didn't do well, at least I was able to do something! (when I say unprepared, I mean I went to two classes this entire unit)

Monday, November 21, 2011

Thankful 20

I'm thankful for modern pharmaceuticals. I know there was a time when I would have been considered possessed or something for my sometimes wild mood swings. My meds don't work perfectly, but none ever will. I'm just glad to have found a combination that works well for me.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Thankful 16-19

16. I'm thankful for what health I do have. I can go 2 miles in under 30 minutes. I can breathe. There are meds available to help keep my moods stable. I DON'T HAVE TO TAKE INSULIN ANYMORE!
17. I am thankful for little kids that make me smile and realize what life is really about. I love working childcare at a local church while they have mom's club. I'm even grateful for sore abs after sitting up and being piled/pushed down by little hands over and over and over. My abs stopped long before their giggles.
18. I'm thankful for courageous special needs people. When a guy who has some mental challenges got up tonight at the talent show during thanksgiving dinner, he sang is heart out. Musically, it was not awesome. However, it was inspiring to see him fight his fear and for everyone to cheer and clap along. Not one person (in my hearing anyway) laughed.
19. I am so thankful my best friend now only lives 2 hours away instead of 2 states!

Wednesday, November 16, 2011


Ok, so I realized how much I miss my mom when she's gone. My mom is a nurse and when it comes to medical things, I pretty much always turn to her for advice. Today I kept hitting snooze which is quite usual and then my alarm that is on my bookcase went off. I put it on my bookcase specifically so I have to get out of bed to reach it with the intent of not returning to bed. However, I remember turning it off, seeing stars, and then waking up on the floor 5 hours later. This is obviously not normal. I don't know if I passed out or not. It's been like 7 or 8 years since I last passed out I think. I've come close before, but those always had warnings. I woke up really hungry, but my blood sugar was normal. See this is the point when I call my mom and ask if I should go to the dr or not. But she's on a plane to Florida about to get on a cruise ship to celebrate 25 years of marriage. Nope, not going to spoil that. So, not quite sure what to do. Ignore it or go to the doc?

Thankful 14-15

14. I am thankful that though I totally slept through my alarm for math class today, when I checked my student email, turns out it was canceled. Mashallah!
15. I am thankful to have a job even when I don't know that I can make it through the day.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Thankful 11-13

11. I would have to say how very very thankful I am for our servicemen and women. Freedom isn't free. A special thank you to my grandpa (navy/WW II) who had 3 ships shot out from under him, Uncle Marc (Army/ Vietnam), cousin Cullen (Marine/ Afghanistan and Iraq), cousin Jonathan (Air Force/Afghanistan and currently in Iraq), and brother Neil (Air Force/ lots of places).
12. I am grateful that everything went off without any major glitch at my sister's wedding. Also that I get to keep the awesome bridesmaid dress that my mom paid for and in which I look HOT. yeah, just sayin ; )
13. I am grateful that I can listen to conference and fireside talks via internet. I had to leave church early because of those rare migraines (curse you periods!) and enjoyed laying in bed with a washcloth over my eyes just listening to the apostles speak. It made it still feel like Sunday and it fed my soul.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Thankful 9-10

Yesterday made me thankful for all the hard work strangers have put in to compile information in the genealogical records. Thank you.

Today made me grateful for catnaps. I stole a catnap in the parking lot before an appointment, in the waiting room after finding out the doc was at least 20 minutes behind, on my sister's couch, in my parent's spare room, and on my parent's couch. And that was just today. However, I managed to drive a total of 5 hours without hitting anyone/anything and make it home even though I barely slept tonight. And now I'm going to bed.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Thankful 8

Yesterday made me thankful for good health insurance. I only paid $10 to see my psychiatrist. I've had the same psychiatrist for several years and with one insurance paid $30 a visit and at one time had to pay out of pocket ($120). So I am so grateful for my current insurance. My poor sister has medical yes, but has to pay $1,100 a month out of pocket before it kicks in.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Thankful 6-7

6. I am thankful for where church is. I meet with other young single adults in the area about 25 minutes away. There are other chapels much closer, but that's where I go to be with other YSA's. There are several people in our ward that don't have cars, and I have kind of become the unofficial carpool from this part of town. I love it! I am so grateful for these women (usually) who lift me up and give me a chance to socialize and chit chat before church fills my spirit. I have gotten to know some of them well and become close friends.
7. Tonight I am thankful for apologies. I am thankful for the word "sorry". When I say it, each time I work on only saying it when I truly feel bad for what I did and work on not doing it again (if that sentence seemed a little awkward, it's cause I'm working on not using the word "try"). Last week I called a friend a "stupid face." This is something I usually reserve for cars that piss me off on the road. Granted, he sometimes is being blind to what's good in front of him, but I still shouldn't have called him that. So after letting it eat at me for a few days (felt too prideful to apologize to him, yeah need to work on that too) I said sorry. He said, "lol I forgive you." A week's worth of ick feeling so not worth the good feeling of being forgiven. Next time I'll just do it right off. Also thankful for the readily given forgiveness of good people.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Thankful 4-5

Friday I went to my primary care doc for the first time in a while. We discussed my resent lab results. I am thankful to be in the best shape of my life. Even if it doesn't last, I am thankful for what health I have while I have it. I'm not going to be despondent over what I can't control. I'm going to do what I can.
Saturday - I am thankful for my cat, Trout. He is the sweetest thing. I'm sad he has to live with my parents, but he really didn't like living inside. I went to visit my parents. He doesn't like my mom's cats. He thinks they're ghosts (they don't have hair) and runs away even when he'll take on other cats twice his size. I closed the door to the rest of the house and opened the sliding door to the porch and called him inside. We snuggled and napped together on the spare room bed. I went outside before I left to snuggle goodbye. I put him on my lap and put my feet on the stool. My sister's black cat came and sat laid across my shoulders. Our fattest cat, Lardo, came beside the chair demanding to be pet, and my brother's cat, Emma, came to the footstool. I needed more than two hands. We all scattered though, when it started to rain.

Thursday, November 3, 2011


I got challenged! Something I'm thankful for everyday up until Thanksgiving. I'll post 3 to catch up.
1. My kindle - it really is my favorite piece of technology. It has my calendar, my recipes, and my favorite books. This morning I awoke to a book I had preordered some time ago. It made my day and has continued to do so as I read it. The book is "Crossed" the sequel to "Matched" by Ally Condie, and I will be sure to rant/blurb about it when I'm done.
2. Petra C. - yesterday at work she brought me English muffins and dates. What a sweet lady! I don't know if she knows how much it means to me to think that someone out there thinks of me and cares.
3. my couch - this thing is older than me. The cushions may only be ten years old or so, but the sturdy wood is 25, the same age as my parent's marriage. The entire living room set is sturdy and comforting. Even if the couch is a tad short for super comfortable sleeping, it is just long enough to curl up in.

So here's to a month of being thankful for the little things!

Sunday, October 30, 2011

cooking spree

I am on a cooking spree! I made hummus, because I am always out. I've decided to only do it by the half batch, because otherwise I end up with chunks of garlic thanks to my not awesome blender. It is much happier with one can of beans to puree rather than two. I've also stopped adding any sort of oil, and just kept more water from the can. Not sure I like that, but I need to get some good olive oil (not the kind that I just use to make things not stick to the pan) again. Also, I'm almost out of tahini! But I'm happy for an excuse to go to the Assyrian bakery where it's cheapest and get a piece or two of pistachio candy.
I made a giant pot of spicy lentil soup from a mix someone gave my mom. She'd never cook it, so I brought it home. The recipe called for some sort of sausage but I substituted morningstar meatless meatballs, so we'll see. It also called for celery and carrots, but I had none. I only put in the onion. I also added a few handfuls of brown rice because it seemed the texture would be rather boring otherwise. The problem is that I have this giant pot of soup now that I could never finish before it goes bad. Should I freeze it? Is it better to freeze soup by the bag full or in containers? I know my friend's mom always has frozen soup in Trader Joe's yogurt tubs in the freezer. Also, I'm rather limited on good freezer bags and would rather not create more waste for the landfill. Suggestions?
The soup mix came with a corn muffin mix. I don't have a muffin pan (though I have the paper cupcake thingys from when I borrowed one lol) so I just made it in the smallest glass baking pan I have and kept checking and sticking a toothpick in till it the toothpick came out clean. Now I have shallow cornbread. I don't believe I've made cornbread since I was a kid. I also just realize that I didn't put anything on the pan so it wouldn't stick :/ oops.
Beans from the bean mix that lived in my mom's pantry for years before I saved it are now in the crockpot. They will be mixed with refried beans for burritos later.
I cooked some dehydrated apples to make more applesauce, but halfway through blending I decided I wanted to try an apple bake instead. So I scooped what I had blended into a breadpan and laid the unblended apple slices/bits on top. I spread a thin layer of quick oats, cinnamon, and brown sugar on top. I poured a little bit of the apple juice over the oats, then stored the rest. I could put it through a coffee filter to strain out the small apple bits, but it will probably go into a protein shake later, so I didn't bother. Baked at 300 for like 20 minutes.
I've cooked all this food, but I'm not the least bit hungry right now? Oh well. I will post later on how they turned out.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

A "that was stupid" button

You know how at Staples they have those red buttons that you push which say "That was easy."? Well I need one that says, "That was stupid." Mayhap it's to beat myself up more after I just did?
I worked 8 hours today. I work at a gym "especially designed for women," and I did a zumba class at 8am. I napped between my split shifts for maybe 30 minutes. After getting off work at 7, I went to my sister's house for the first time in nearly a week. I thought it was the next right thing to do, not isolating and all. I think it was. It felt good to be with family, with people I love and who love me. My brother-in-law's sometimes naughty humor lightened my mood. But I was not ok. I felt compelled to do more to make it ok again.
Oh, I forgot a rather critical part of my day. It wasn't critical to me, but it is critical to get a sense of where I am. After getting off the morning shift, I went to jack n the box on the way home. I had coupons from the mail. I ordered something I never would have (cause it had bacon and just ew.) but I had a buy one get one free coupon, and I knew I was going to throw it up. I did.
I left my sister's at a time that would be considered early for me. I went to the school gym. There I pushed myself and my body and did 2 miles in under 30 minutes. The best time for that distance I have ever done. So that's a good thing right? That I seem to be in the best shape I've ever been? Then why am I so miserable? Why was my blood sugar 192 when I came home? It should not have been high before, but maybe I should start bringing my meter along to check it. I am so frustrated trying to get my labs back which were lost, because I want to know my A1c. I want to know if I am improving my diabetes or not. If not? Then what was the point of gastric bypass surgery if I'm going to end up on insulin again? I hate my body. I don't necessarily think it's terribly ugly all the time, but I hate it none the less. Like I would love to sleep right now, but that is really unlikely to happen.

Thursday, October 20, 2011


So a giant waving red flag for me is when I start watching weight loss shows. I have found a new one. "I Used to Be Fat" on Mtv. I generally loathe Mtv. Actually, based on the commercials, I still do. I am compromising though. I know I did not eat enough today, so I'm not working out.
I painted my nails while I watched this show online. I used that new mosaic effects as a topcoat. It didn't turn out as well as it did over the silver. Still, it looks good. I want to look good. I want to feel good. I know thin is not well, but it's hard to not believe that some magic number 50lbs from now isn't going to make everything ok. I know logically that it won't. I know that even 50lbs from now, I will still want another 20 and another 10 and another 5 even if I am an emaciated skeleton.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Sasha Dichter: The Generosity Experiment | Video on

Sasha Dichter: The Generosity Experiment | Video on

I have TED talks liked on my facebook. I don't generally think I have time to watch them whenever I see new ones posted, but honestly, I probably do. I did have the time today as I'm sitting on the couch with my cup of tea wishing this cold would let me be so I could take a deep breath. I like his idea of the generosity experiment. My first reaction was that I would love to be able to give those people money, but I'm too broke myself. Seriously, I'm waiting on my next paycheck before I can buy milk. But one of his last lines was about giving in as much capacity as you can, and about his story of giving one guy 20 bucks. It 20 bucks might not seem like a lot to most people, but I bet it seemed like a lot to that guy who received it.
I still don't have a lot to give, but I'd like to change myself into saying yes. I want to build a life of saying yes.
I have rolls of coins that I normally wait till I get 20 bucks or so then take them to the bank. Since I don't carry cash with me most of the time (can't afford to spend it), I can't say yes. So I'm going to start carrying coins so I can say yes when asked for help. 20 cents really isn't much. But it's what I can give, and someday it might be 20 bucks.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Matched Cont.

I was discussing Matched (read last post) the other day with a Mormon friend who laughed and said, "We already did fight for free agency." Mormon humor. Made my day.

Saturday, July 30, 2011


(forgive the grammar and punctuation once I really start ranting)
I'm not entirely sure why so many of my posting are prompted by books. Perhaps it's just because I seem to have a bit of time to read them now that I am between school terms, but that is not true. I always make time to read. I fuels my soul in a way. Even if I was under loads of homework, they would not have gotten done in the last 24 hours. I would have still read this book. Matched by Ally Condie.
It is one of those dystopia novels. There are others it reminds me of: the Uglies series by Scott Westerfield, The Hunger Games which are so popular now, Feed, that I read a long time ago, and others. They are of a society where some upper echelon makes the decisions to keep all the regular folks in line. Everything is designed to be perfect, no poverty, starvation or disease, etc. This particular novel focuses on "The Society"'s system of matching you to your perfect mate. Circumstances arise, and the main character balks at this, and falls in love with some other than her matched.
I asked myself why I loved this book even though there are so many dystopian novels like it? Why do these characters always decide to fight even at such great personal sacrifice? Why would you even need to write stories about these fictional places; they are so utopian who would want to fight? And of course, would I fight?
I dwelt on the last question first. Yes. Of course. It is why I crave these books, it is why I care to read, to teach, to want to make a difference in this non-utopian society we do have. I would fight. Funny, cause I always say if the end of the world turns out to be as rough as it sounds, please let me die in the first round of bullets. I'd rather not live through that trial. But the societies in these novels, I would fight. I would fight for my free will. I would fight for the opportunity to make MY mistakes if it meant being able to make MY decisions. So I get why these characters fight, because if you don't have free will, you have nothing.
My good friend recommended I read this book. It sounded intriguing, and I almost gave in and bought it for my kindle, but then I saw it on my niece's bookshelf yesterday and devoured it in one day. My friend recommended it during our conversation about Mormon culture and society. I am a devout Mormon by the way for anyone reading this and not knowing that. There were many similarities in the Society in this novel and the sort of idyllic Mormon society that people have tried time and time again to build in different places. I lived in Utah for 8 months in high school, and it reminded a bit of Utah. Also a bit of communism ideology too, with each receiving only what they needed for comfortable subsistence and doing professions as best they could that were best suited to their abilities (sorry communism, but greed screwed you up). But the part about these idyllic little families, with uniformity in culture, reminded me a bit of Utah. In this book, the Society had chosen to keep only 100 of the "best" songs, paintings, poems, etc (very 1984). Creating beauty in art was actually forbidden, doing anything non-conformist resulted in consequences. It reminded me of Utah in that doing anything non-conformist resulted in ostracism from its society. Yes, Utah prides itself on supporting the arts, but only certain kind of arts, only those deemed what I would call "wholesome for society". While not bad in and of itself, anything outside of those boundaries was considered equal to evil. I know I am generalizing a lot about Utah and Mormon culture, but this is the experience I had there. Yet, it was my devout Mormon friend who agreed with me about seeing the beauty in the dark and fringes of art and perfection in its imperfections.
(side note: had to pause writing this to pre-order the next book Crossed for my kindle. Nov 1st!)
We also talked about the Society's matching system. When she first told me about it, I balked. Love should be a bit messy. But over this past week since we talked, I can better see its allure. To be matched with someone you know you can love and have a good life with? To not have the heartbreak, the gut wrenching pain that comes with the messier parts of love? How can any person resist that allure. Yes, perhaps it's not as passionate, but it is safe. Isn't that what we are taught is best for real life? To not pretend like our lives are like romance movies, fairy tales, or romance novels? But then again, what is so wrong with wanting that passionate, messy love? The kind that grows with adversity and the kind with heartbreak that makes you stronger in yourself, because you know more who you are and what you can survive and what you deserve. Is there some balance of both out there? I hope so.
What I thought was interesting about the fact that Ally Condie, the author, is Mormon too, was that she is against the Society. It is the antagonist. She lives in Salt Lake City, Utah. She sees the good and bad from this. She can see the good things that come from trying to make these wholesome family societies. But she also sees that more important is the choice. Free will, or free agency as it is called in Mormon doctrine is vital to us. Honestly, I think it is vital to our souls, to have this choice. That is what these protagonists are all fighting for really. Free Agency. So I suppose that it is surprising that this is the first Mormon author's dystopian novel I've read. (wait, I think I read one called The Alliance when I was a kid, but is was more post-apocalyptic society) Because all the authors seem to get that Free Agency is the most important. It is what these characters sacrifice and fight for. So I guess I'm not surprised I would too.
Sooo making sure my niece finishes reading this book (but hopefully she never finds my blog!)

Thursday, July 28, 2011

but my butt is not round

I am wearing a dress. This is perhaps less out of the norm for me than I would have considered it in the past, but it is still novel. I have ventured so far as to wear a sleeveless dress that comes to the tops of my knees out in public. This dress however is not something I plan to ever wear in public. I wore it today with skinny jeans, but it is hot inside so I ditched the jeans (and the bra) several hours ago. There is something that just makes me feel good about wearing a dress that shows off my arms comes only to mid-thigh. It makes me want to buy one of those sexy silk and lace numbers and crank up the Shakira to dance to. However, it would be much more fun to dance for/with someone in that instance, so I'll save the money lol. Maybe I'll just buy a sporty nightgown instead of always wearing my baggy t-shirts and gym shorts. Perhaps it's time for me to get rid of the t-shirts from 50lbs ago and embrace sleepwear that fits.

So I titled this post "buy my butt is not round" because I just finished a book (I love school break) called "The Earth, My Butt, and Other Big Round Things". It's definitely a young adult novel that I would have enjoyed more in middle school, but I was hooked after the opening scene where she's making out with a boy named Froggy. There were some things that really disturbed me while reading this book. The way the mother constantly harped at her daughter's eating habits, her subsequent crash dieting attempt and its support from both parents, made me want to throw the book at my own to well-meaning parents and say "See! This does not help!" Mostly though, were the parts where the main character, Virginia, discovers one of the "popular" girls throwing up in the bathroom. It's a relatively minor part of the book, but I wanted to rant about it. It was obvious to Virginia that this girl was throwing up on a regular basis. The girl was looking more and more ill and nearly passed out in gym. I wanted to shout, "Get her help! Say something!" I remember those times wondering if I got caught, but assuming no one noticed just because no one ever said anything. No one ever said anything in high school. I reached out for help once, but it was shunted aside. There have been times in college where I've been throwing up and not even bothering to hide it when people came in restroom. I'd be washing my hands with them at the sink after leaving the stall, and you know what, not once, ever has a single person ever said anything. Not one referral to the counselor's office, not one supportive comment of "you're not alone" or "you so don't need that" (not like expected that), not even a comment of "use a different bathroom if you're going to be that loud" (which I half expected, but I would have been late for class). So my hope is that someone, somewhere will have the courage to tell the next girl they catch throwing up in the bathroom that it's ok. They are not alone. Or even meet them in the eyes for crying out loud!
My butt is not round. My friend whom I haven't seen in 3 years was kind enough to point out that even though I've lost weight my butt is as flat as ever. Thanks (not). I don't hate my butt though. I've made peace with it. It supports me as I sit. I even miss a bit of the cushion, but I no longer hate it. I don't love it yet, but hopefully someday I'll get there. So thanks butt, for sticking out this journey with me.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

I know, I know

so I read a book that helped me decide to start writing again. Half-assed is the first word in the title, but I forgot the rest. I'll keep it short though cause I just feel like writing a little bit.

I found the best cardio workout dvd yet. Carmen Electra's hip hop dvd (disc 5 on the aerobic strip tease set, no I haven't had the chance to try the rest of the set. I only have disc 5). Really bummed that it only has one dance routine though. Super easy to learn, super cardio burn.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

going residential

I've decided. I'm going to a residential program. I'll be in full time for at least 45 days, maybe longer. One place has a step down program into partial hospitalization. I'm postponing (have to stop thinking of it as loosing) one semester. Mixed emotions. I just want to get well! and I will Inshallah. I'm so drained right now though from doing a long phone intake interview, so of course all I want to do is purge the quarter pear I ate.

Monday, January 17, 2011

to the blogosphere

To the blogosphere:

Confession: my food addiction takes on a particularly bitter and destructive form. Bulimia sucks! It has taken over my life and made the last six months a living hell. I'm now in an intensive outpatient treatment program. Struggling today, because I feel like it's not helping at all. So my treatment coordinator is strongly suggesting that I go to a residential treatment program. It would mean well, a lot of different things. I am so torn in this decision. I hope that this remains an anonymous blog, though honestly, I'm not particularly sure how to do that. Maybe I shouldn't post this. Just sick of being ashamed and fearful. And sick of being sick.