Thankful Days 1-2

1. I'm doing the gratitude thing again, but I forgot and got a late start. On the first I'd have to say I'm grateful for the B I got on my British Literature midterm. Now I'm not freaking out so much about that class. A 'B' isn't perfect; it isn't an A. Still, I'm learning to accept doing what I can. Also, not bad for not reading everything.
2. Yesterday I was so grateful for my sponsor. She talked me through a really rough spot. I was sitting in my garage afraid to go inside for fear I would eat. I stayed on the phone with her until I could promise I wouldn't eat. Awesome sponsor.

New Start

Earlier I wrote a bit about FA - food addicts in recovery anonymous. Well I've gone back to it. It truly may be the only solution for me. I've tried everything, even having gastric bypass surgery. It's been 2 1/2 years since my surgery. I'm still 45lbs smaller, but slowly gaining it all back. But worse, and more scary, is the diabetes. It's so out of control. I even went to the hospital last month because my blood sugar was so high. It was boring. And copays are expensive. So the next several times my blood sugar got high enough to go to the hospital, I just took care of it myself. So I've been doing FA, by doing I mean working with a sponsor, for the last two months. I've lost 11.8lbs. That's it. I'm frusttrated because I expected it to come off faster. And it probably would have if I stayed "abstinent" (I'll explain that in another post) every day. But it was maybe 1/2 of the days  that I ate right and the other half I seriously binged. But I made 3 days at one point, and I know I've made two weeks when I've done it before. Being in program for two months now is the longest I've stayed in. Maybe it's desperation.

Day 7

What a long day. Spiritually affirming and challenging too (I love not feeling the compulsion to write in complete sentences on my blog yay for fragments and run on sentences!).

Things that made me want to eat today

1. Missing my sister (she passed away a month ago yesterday)

2. getting a 66% on my physics test

3. having to restudy for the extra credit quiz on Monday while studying for the regular physics test on Thursday

4. time crunch

5. Buying gas on money meant for next semester's books

6. all day long stress of trying to cram for exam tonight

7. panicking about taking an exam for my online communications class and finishing before midnight

8. the strong desire to take a nap and knowing I don't have the time

9. my paycheck still hasn't come!

10. No work for me this weekend

Things I'm grateful for today (some of which made me want to eat):

1. I have an interview on Monday at the campus bookstore

2. I have a chance to raise my physics test score 20 points

3. I got to see my mom for about an hour today

4. My sister gave me a scarf as a present and free produce

5. all the delicious in season squash

6. I got 66/70 on my communications test I just finished, 94% oh yeah!

7. I got to talk to my counselor today about all the things going on in my head

8.I had the blessing of taking my friend to her second missionary lesson

9. I get to work tonight

10. I had another abstinent day

See, more reasons to be grateful than reasons to eat. Another abstinent day mashallah

Day 6 again

Why again? I had a break. A false start. I don't really want to get into it because I have so much I want to write about. Suffice it to say, I am a food addict.

Anyway, today was a challenging day. It was an abstinent day mashallah but almost wasn't. I think I am better understanding what people mean when they say you can hold onto the food for a while without program but you can't work your program and not do the food. I didn't make a single phone call today and I missed my phone meeting too. I felt very self-isolating today. That's not good because it's those kind of behaviors that feed into my addiction. As we say at every meeting, addiction is a disease of isolation.

Tomorrow I need to talk to my sponsor about this.

Oh, and my quiet time was cut short and not very quiet this morning.

Things I really wanted to eat over today:

1. Knowing I got a really bad score on my physics test (prof said the highest score was a 74 and only 7 people scored above 60)

2. Stressing about the extra credit quiz to add points to said physics test

3. Not getting to wear a headscarf because I was turning in applications

4. The cost of food and buying food I've never cooked before

5. doing all this work, including cleaning the toilet, for people that never showed up (this was a big one and gave me flashbacks to childhood birthday parties)

6. Having 5 chapters to read of my massive textbook for my communications exam tomorrow

7. stress about having an exam tomorrow

8. being blocked in by another car and having to take 10 minutes to get out of my parking spot (nearly cried in frustration and was 10 minutes late to work)

9. realizing that I'm almost out of gas and out of money

10. still waiting on my late paycheck

Only by the grace of God did I not eat today.

Today I am thankful for:

1. another abstinent day

2. my wonderful sister calling me

3. getting some food money from mom

4. my strong test scores from the first half of the physics term

5. running into Sister Starky at the grocery store and maybe having a new pickup job

Day 6

I can't believe I've stayed abstinent for 5 days. Three weeks ago if you said I could go without flour and sugar for 5 days strait I wouldn't have believed you. I think I'm getting over the withdrawal part soon. The part where you feel lethargic and kind of foggy because your body has been used to functioning and dealing with copious amounts of sugar every day. But it's worth it because my blood sugars are around 130-150 during the day now instead of 200's. The past few days I've had a friend staying with me. Last night she bought pizza and I didn't even have a bite. I wanted one, oh yeah did I want one, but I didn't. I feel like I've actually accomplished something for once in my life. 5 days is a small accomplishment, but I still did it.

Day 2

Today I am having the hardest time not exercising. Yeah, I want to eat, but I really want to work out. My sponsor has encouraged me not to work out for the first few days so my body can get adjusted and the sugar withdrawals aren't as crazy. I am craving a workout though: a long walk, some light weights, at this point I'd even do a yoga dvd, just anything! I could go for a walk, but then I know I'd start jogging and doing intervals. Ugh. Time to make phone calls and go study for my online class exam.

Day 1

I did something new today. I cooked chicken. I have not cooked raw chicken in a long time. I have a strange fear of raw meat. I don't like to look at it let alone touch it. I remember once when I was little, having to mix the meatloaf by hand and I burned my hands in the hot water trying to wash the gross feeling off. But I did it!

Yesterday I purchased 2lbs of chicken thighs. They were visibly fatty (another reason I'm not a meat fan) so individually cut off the fat as best I could. I put them in the freezer 2 in a bag. Today I finished de-fatting the ones in the fridge (I ran out of time yesterday) and looked up how best to cook them. Online it said bake for 20-30 minutes at 350 degrees. I sprayed the small dish with pam first. Then, spur of the moment and having no idea what I was doing, I mixed a third cup of olive oil with random spices from the cupboard. Some had never been opened before since I moved here. By hand, I rubbed 3 of the chicken thighs with the mixture and placed them in the baking dish. I had a ton of the oil mix left over so I just poured it over the chicken. It came out delicious! Yay for me and small accomplishments like touching raw chicken for the first time in memory.

First Steps

Tomorrow/today (it's am already) I am starting my FA (food addicts in recovery anonymous). I found a sponsor today and am ready to make the plunge. Finding a sponsor was challenging because I am six months post-op from gastric bypass surgery. I've lost 45 lbs but gained the knowledge that thin is not well. I hope that program also will help this damnable insomnia. I call my sponsor at 7:15 and really need to sleep. I have already planned and written my abstinent meals for tomorrow. Breakfast and lunch are in the fridge here at work. Bring it on life. I have a plan.