Saturday, August 7, 2010

Start over

16 days. That's how long I made it. Why oh why did I take the bite. It didn't start with an intention to binge. I was just going to take some extra iron. And then take an omega-3 chew afterwards to get rid of the taste. So I started doling out the weeks vitamins and meds. And then I had an extra calcium chew. And then three chews. And it ended with eating my roommate's peanut butter. If it wasn't so late I probably would have ended up at the store. I felt out of control, like I couldn't stop. I seriously could not stop until I was so full I was going to puke. I'm glad I got rid of all the junk food in the house.

The signs were there that I was slipping and I didn't pull back before I fell.
I didn't make a single phone call today and only made 1 yesterday. I missed my face to face meeting yesterday and honestly was not paying attention at the phone meeting today. I didn't talk to a single family member today. I didn't call my mom or see my sister or call any sisters. I missed Lacey terribly and cried. I isolated myself. Even when my friend came over I ignored her and spent most of the time in the kitchen.
I am so tired. I've been burning the candle at both ends. Yet I can't sleep because of the freaking insomnia and stress and head spinning. I feel like I'm physically wearing thin.
I started feeling guilty at the missionary lessons this morning thinking of all the things that I've done that affect my future.
I found out I royally bombed the physics final. I got a 64%. But still managed to pull a B overall. Still that one B means I have to get all A's in order to raise my GPA to 3.5 by end of semester. How can I get an A in my comm class if I haven't even started the research paper due Monday? And I didn't work on it at all today. I read, relaxed, grocery shopped, and had a friend over.
I'm so broke I'm scared. I had to return pads because I can't afford the good ones and have to use the crappy ones I still have. I went over my grocery budget and if you count buying supplements then Waaaaaayyyyy over.
Ugh. Now I have to tell my sponsor in the morning. I'm dreading it. I know I promised to call before I took the bite and I didn't. I'm scared of loosing her as a sponsor because I don't know how to find anyone else who gets gastric bypass surgery. I need this program. I would eat myself to death without it. I just feel so guilty cause here I am healing my body and actually thinking hey I need to pay attention to planning for retirement cause I can plan on being around then and Lacey never will. Lacey never got better. How come my body can get better but hers couldn't? God, I'm trying to trust you that her passing was your will, but I find it rather difficult today.
Going to try to sleep now. Almost wish I didn't have to wake up in the morning. I feel like I can never keep up so I might as well give up.

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