Thankful 4-5

Friday I went to my primary care doc for the first time in a while. We discussed my resent lab results. I am thankful to be in the best shape of my life. Even if it doesn't last, I am thankful for what health I have while I have it. I'm not going to be despondent over what I can't control. I'm going to do what I can.

Saturday - I am thankful for my cat, Trout. He is the sweetest thing. I'm sad he has to live with my parents, but he really didn't like living inside. I went to visit my parents. He doesn't like my mom's cats. He thinks they're ghosts (they don't have hair) and runs away even when he'll take on other cats twice his size. I closed the door to the rest of the house and opened the sliding door to the porch and called him inside. We snuggled and napped together on the spare room bed. I went outside before I left to snuggle goodbye. I put him on my lap and put my feet on the stool. My sister's black cat came and sat laid across my shoulders. Our fattest cat, Lardo, came beside the chair demanding to be pet, and my brother's cat, Emma, came to the footstool. I needed more than two hands. We all scattered though, when it started to rain.

Thankful

I got challenged! Something I'm thankful for everyday up until Thanksgiving. I'll post 3 to catch up.

1. My kindle - it really is my favorite piece of technology. It has my calendar, my recipes, and my favorite books. This morning I awoke to a book I had preordered some time ago. It made my day and has continued to do so as I read it. The book is "Crossed" the sequel to "Matched" by Ally Condie, and I will be sure to rant/blurb about it when I'm done.

2. Petra C. - yesterday at work she brought me English muffins and dates. What a sweet lady! I don't know if she knows how much it means to me to think that someone out there thinks of me and cares.

3. my couch - this thing is older than me. The cushions may only be ten years old or so, but the sturdy wood is 25, the same age as my parent's marriage. The entire living room set is sturdy and comforting. Even if the couch is a tad short for super comfortable sleeping, it is just long enough to curl up in.

So here's to a month of being thankful for the little things!

cooking spree

I am on a cooking spree! I made hummus, because I am always out. I've decided to only do it by the half batch, because otherwise I end up with chunks of garlic thanks to my not awesome blender. It is much happier with one can of beans to puree rather than two. I've also stopped adding any sort of oil, and just kept more water from the can. Not sure I like that, but I need to get some good olive oil (not the kind that I just use to make things not stick to the pan) again. Also, I'm almost out of tahini! But I'm happy for an excuse to go to the Assyrian bakery where it's cheapest and get a piece or two of pistachio candy.

I made a giant pot of spicy lentil soup from a mix someone gave my mom. She'd never cook it, so I brought it home. The recipe called for some sort of sausage but I substituted morningstar meatless meatballs, so we'll see. It also called for celery and carrots, but I had none. I only put in the onion. I also added a few handfuls of brown rice because it seemed the texture would be rather boring otherwise. The problem is that I have this giant pot of soup now that I could never finish before it goes bad. Should I freeze it? Is it better to freeze soup by the bag full or in containers? I know my friend's mom always has frozen soup in Trader Joe's yogurt tubs in the freezer. Also, I'm rather limited on good freezer bags and would rather not create more waste for the landfill. Suggestions?

The soup mix came with a corn muffin mix. I don't have a muffin pan (though I have the paper cupcake thingys from when I borrowed one lol) so I just made it in the smallest glass baking pan I have and kept checking and sticking a toothpick in till it the toothpick came out clean. Now I have shallow cornbread. I don't believe I've made cornbread since I was a kid. I also just realize that I didn't put anything on the pan so it wouldn't stick :/ oops.

Beans from the bean mix that lived in my mom's pantry for years before I saved it are now in the crockpot. They will be mixed with refried beans for burritos later.

I cooked some dehydrated apples to make more applesauce, but halfway through blending I decided I wanted to try an apple bake instead. So I scooped what I had blended into a breadpan and laid the unblended apple slices/bits on top. I spread a thin layer of quick oats, cinnamon, and brown sugar on top. I poured a little bit of the apple juice over the oats, then stored the rest. I could put it through a coffee filter to strain out the small apple bits, but it will probably go into a protein shake later, so I didn't bother. Baked at 300 for like 20 minutes.

I've cooked all this food, but I'm not the least bit hungry right now? Oh well. I will post later on how they turned out.

A "that was stupid" button

You know how at Staples they have those red buttons that you push which say "That was easy."? Well I need one that says, "That was stupid." Mayhap it's to beat myself up more after I just did?

I worked 8 hours today. I work at a gym "especially designed for women," and I did a zumba class at 8am. I napped between my split shifts for maybe 30 minutes. After getting off work at 7, I went to my sister's house for the first time in nearly a week. I thought it was the next right thing to do, not isolating and all. I think it was. It felt good to be with family, with people I love and who love me. My brother-in-law's sometimes naughty humor lightened my mood. But I was not ok. I felt compelled to do more to make it ok again.

Oh, I forgot a rather critical part of my day. It wasn't critical to me, but it is critical to get a sense of where I am. After getting off the morning shift, I went to jack n the box on the way home. I had coupons from the mail. I ordered something I never would have (cause it had bacon and just ew.) but I had a buy one get one free coupon, and I knew I was going to throw it up. I did.

I left my sister's at a time that would be considered early for me. I went to the school gym. There I pushed myself and my body and did 2 miles in under 30 minutes. The best time for that distance I have ever done. So that's a good thing right? That I seem to be in the best shape I've ever been? Then why am I so miserable? Why was my blood sugar 192 when I came home? It should not have been high before, but maybe I should start bringing my meter along to check it. I am so frustrated trying to get my labs back which were lost, because I want to know my A1c. I want to know if I am improving my diabetes or not. If not? Then what was the point of gastric bypass surgery if I'm going to end up on insulin again? I hate my body. I don't necessarily think it's terribly ugly all the time, but I hate it none the less. Like I would love to sleep right now, but that is really unlikely to happen.

Backsliding

So a giant waving red flag for me is when I start watching weight loss shows. I have found a new one. "I Used to Be Fat" on Mtv. I generally loathe Mtv. Actually, based on the commercials, I still do. I am compromising though. I know I did not eat enough today, so I'm not working out.

I painted my nails while I watched this show online. I used that new mosaic effects as a topcoat. It didn't turn out as well as it did over the silver. Still, it looks good. I want to look good. I want to feel good. I know thin is not well, but it's hard to not believe that some magic number 50lbs from now isn't going to make everything ok. I know logically that it won't. I know that even 50lbs from now, I will still want another 20 and another 10 and another 5 even if I am an emaciated skeleton.

Sasha Dichter: The Generosity Experiment | Video on TED.com

Sasha Dichter: The Generosity Experiment | Video on TED.com

I have TED talks liked on my facebook. I don't generally think I have time to watch them whenever I see new ones posted, but honestly, I probably do. I did have the time today as I'm sitting on the couch with my cup of tea wishing this cold would let me be so I could take a deep breath. I like his idea of the generosity experiment. My first reaction was that I would love to be able to give those people money, but I'm too broke myself. Seriously, I'm waiting on my next paycheck before I can buy milk. But one of his last lines was about giving in as much capacity as you can, and about his story of giving one guy 20 bucks. It 20 bucks might not seem like a lot to most people, but I bet it seemed like a lot to that guy who received it.

I still don't have a lot to give, but I'd like to change myself into saying yes. I want to build a life of saying yes.

I have rolls of coins that I normally wait till I get 20 bucks or so then take them to the bank. Since I don't carry cash with me most of the time (can't afford to spend it), I can't say yes. So I'm going to start carrying coins so I can say yes when asked for help. 20 cents really isn't much. But it's what I can give, and someday it might be 20 bucks.

Matched Cont.

I was discussing Matched (read last post) the other day with a Mormon friend who laughed and said, "We already did fight for free agency." Mormon humor. Made my day.